Week 1 Topic:

“FOUR HORSEMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE”

Our text describes goals of conflict in Chapter 3. When these goals go unmet, we often fall into negative behaviors in relationships. Gottman (1999) identifies the “four horsemen of the apocalypse” (Hocker, et.al. 2022, p 22-29). When these behaviors are present in a relationship, the end is near. Use the following to help you write this week’s discussion post.

• Identify the 4 general goals of conflict.
• Which one do you identify with the most?
• Discuss how you have seen the “Four Horsemen” used in relationships.
• Which of these behaviors do you use, with whom do you use these and in what circumstances?
• Can you think of ways that you could communicate more honestly and constructively based on the goal you are trying to achieve to avoid using one of the Four Horsemen?

respond to two peers

peers1 When it comes to conflict, there is something called the “four horsemen of the apocalypse” which are certain behaviors that are detrimental to relationships with others and can make conflict worse than it already is. These “four horsemen” are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling (Lisitsa, 2013).

Criticism is a direct attack on the ideas or thoughts of the other individual and dismantle their own ideas in the process (Lisitsa, 2013). This behavior can cause people to lose confidence in themselves and they are unable to feel comfortable with bring up new ideas or solutions to conflict when in reality, they can be the answer to the issue at hand. The next one is contempt. This one involves being blatantly disrespectful to others by using sarcasm, ridicule, calling them names, mimicking them, or using body language such as a scoff or eye roll which can make the other person feel worthless (Lisitsa, 2013). Displaying this behavior can also come off as bullying of another individual or be emotional abuse to a significant other. Next is defensiveness. This behavior is the usual response to criticism and it involves using excuses for personal actions and playing innocent (Lisitsa, 2013). In a way, this is a method to avoid conflict and let things be the way they are without finding a proper solution. Lastly, Stonewalling is a response to contempt which occurs when the listener in the conflict retreats from the conversation, shuts down, and refuses to respond any further (Lisitsa, 2013). When one uses stonewalling, they feel crammed with thoughts that cannot keep track of what to respond to or how to solve the issue.
If I had to choose which of these I identify with the most, it would be stonewalling. When I am met with conflict and it causes me to feel psychologically flooded, I shut down and refuse to be involved as a result. I decide to do whatever it is I want to do instead and when my mind is clear, I begin to think of ideas about how I should solve the issue and then begin using the best idea. I use stonewalling when it comes to my dad. There are times when he will be upset with me and become aggressive. I use this behavior and just shut out the conflict in totality.
I have seen all of these used in relationships that I have seen in person. I can recall a friend who had a partner who would always use contempt with them. That person would be so disrespectful to them and in response they would use stonewalling and walk away. They would not talk for days until they are able to. I know on certain TV shows, there are partners who tend to rely on criticism with their significant others and there are times where one partner may use defensiveness.
When people are met with conflict and use these kinds of behaviors, it would be best to take a step back and a moment to yourself to think of ways to make ourselves more equipped to handle conflict. Some important ways we can be better at responding to conflict is to be in touch with our feelings and understand them, hone skills at listening, and practice assertive communication (Scott, 2008).

WC: 551

References

Lisitsa, E. (2013). The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/
Scott, E. (2008, February 6). Conflict Resolution Skills for Healthy Relationships. Verywell Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/conflict-resolution-skills-for-healthy-relationships-3144953

peers 2Hello classmates and professor,

This week’s discussion is about The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse would be the four stages that happen during conflict. Criticizing, Defensiveness, Stonewalling, and Contempt. I can honestly say I can identify with criticizing more than anything. Yes, I get defensive, but it depends on what it is. In our textbook there were some examples of the female criticizing. I feel as if I do this in a way for the person to understand how frustrated I am feeling or to try and get a point across. This usually happens while in an argument with my significant other. A lot of arguments are started due to him not doing something that needed to be done or me asking him for help with our children and me having to do it on my own anyway. So, I would say “you never help me with our children or things around the house” or the “you always just come home and think your day ends automatically when we have our children who need tending to.” As for the defensive part, he will usually say something like “go get a job and pay half the bills” and I will automatically go into defense mode because of everything I do for our family just never seems to be good enough. Then I usually get stonewalled after there was a cool down period. “Conflicts move from episode to episode in a continually unfolding pattern of interaction between the prime parties.” (Hocker, et.al. 2022, p 22-29) I have noticed the pattern that has been happening over the years and honestly since going to school and maturing with age we have been getting better with how we handle situations and our levels of communications. I see the Four Horsemen being used in so many relationships. So many couples go through the same things, and it is a vicious cycle that happens. Women are fed up and men get defensive than start to stonewall and contempt. Woman usually are the ones criticizing because we have simply expressed so many things in so many ways that we just simply explode and that is where the criticism comes. Am I saying that it is right to do? No. There are numerous ways a situation can be handled, and the Four Horsemen’s can be avoided. One who has issues where a significant other is not pulling their weight or one feels overwhelmed a person could simply say, “Hun I feel very overwhelmed could you please help me with xyz.” Someone could say “Babe can we talk? I need you to take me seriously and understand that I need you to listen with an open mind, I am struggling with xyz. I cannot find a solution that will work best for us so what are your thoughts.” Relationships are work, they are about communication, compromise, trust, honesty and more.